When Discomfort Is Generous (and When It’s Just People-Pleasing)

Exploring the quiet line between love-led giving and self-abandonment:

The moment I knew I had to write this blog happened in Sunday School.

Our teacher has recently started using a microphone. It’s clunky, awkward, and probably mildly annoying to set up every week. But at least three or four people have mentioned how much easier it is to hear him now. And I’ve been thinking about that ever since.

Because it takes something to stand up there, not just to speak, but to speak louder, clearer, more vulnerably. To trade a bit of your comfort so someone else can relax into theirs.

And something about that stuck with me.

When You Forget Yourself (In a Good Way)

There’s something beautiful about consciously choosing to be a little uncomfortable so someone else can feel a little more at ease. I think that’s one of the highest forms of generosity. You don’t do it for applause. You do it because your heart is pointed toward service.

But let’s be honest—sometimes we “give” not from love, but from fear.

Sometimes we bend over backward trying to be liked. Or we edit ourselves into something quieter, easier, more palatable—because we’re afraid a “no” means we’re not enough.

The Generosity Muscle vs. The People-Pleasing Pit

I’ve done both.

I’ve gone out of my way to adjust, to give, to overextend… not because it felt aligned or loving, but because I was chasing approval. Especially when someone didn’t get or respect the emotional work I do through Home Compass. A few times, instead of accepting their disinterest as a clean “no,” I doubled down. I gave them my time, energy, and resources anyway—hoping to convince them of the value I already knew was there.

It never ended well. I walked away feeling hurt, drained, and a little betrayed. And if I’m being honest? It left that familiar hollow ache in my solar plexus, like I was trying to fill a bottomless pit with scraps.

But other times? The giving has felt completely different.

I remember when I was a young mom in Germany. I had baby clothes my kids had outgrown, and I offered them to my husband’s boss’s wife. I think I hoped it would strengthen a connection, or maybe impress her a little. Instead, she returned most of them politely, but firmly.

Later, I met a friend-of-a-friend who had just moved to the area with little ones. I offered her the same clothes, and she lit up. Delighted. So grateful. I wasn’t expecting anything from her. There was no advantage to be gained. But that giving? That one lit me up from the inside.

It taught me that real generosity doesn’t just bless the recipient—it strengthens you too. It builds a kind of inner integrity, a “generosity muscle,” that lets you stretch on purpose.

Discerning the Difference

The difference, I’ve found, is the intent of the heart.

People-pleasing says: “If I don’t do this, I’ll lose connection. I won’t be enough.”
Generosity says: “This is a little uncomfortable, yes—but it aligns with who I am and how I want to show up.”

One drains you. The other builds you.

So these days, I’m learning to pause and ask myself:

• Am I offering this out of fear or love?

• Will I still feel whole after I give this, or will I feel a little smaller?

• Is this generosity… or is this me hoping someone will finally see my worth?

I think the more we ask those questions, the stronger that generosity muscle becomes—and the easier it is to catch ourselves before we dive headfirst into people-pleasing disguised as kindness.

🧘‍♀️ A Tapping Invitation: From People-Pleasing to Purposeful Generosity

If this stirred something in you, here’s a short tapping practice to come back to your center, where your giving can be generous and grounded.

Eyebrow: Even though I’ve sometimes overgiven to feel safe or seen, I still choose to love and accept myself.
Side of Eye: I acknowledge the moments I gave out of fear, not alignment, and I offer myself grace.
Under Eye: I now choose to strengthen my generosity muscle from a place of truth and purpose.
Under Nose: I give to express the love that’s already within me.
Chin: I listen to the intent of my heart and notice where I can share, even just a little bit.
Collarbone: My generosity is abundant. It nourishes me and those around me in ways that are perfect for me.
Under Arm: It is safe for me to say yes when it is aligned with my highest good, even if that means I give up a little bit of my comfort, too.
Top of Head: I honor my capacity. I give with joy when and where I can. And I choose grounded, wholehearted generosity.

💛 Curious about this work? Book a free discovery call here. Let’s explore together.